Another night..

..another dream wasted on you.

The Best of Intentions.

Continuing on the train of thought of my previous post, this morning I was doing some research into aggressive behaviour. (I don't really intend to draw parallels between aggressive behaviour and fight club here -- just to clarify. The previous post to which I am referring to is the one about prosocial and altruistic behaviours) Hahaha. It may not be blatantly obvious why the two concepts are interrelated, but from what I can gather.. there are two broad types of social behaviour that an individual may engage in. 

These social behaviours are supposedly grounded in the intent one has -- and in basic terms, whether the individual aims to help or to hinder the development or condition of the people surrounding them. In terms of "helping", altruism is the main characteristic one may develop. And in terms of "hindering", aggression is thought to be the most relevant developmental outcome.
 
Defined something along the lines of "a thought, feeling, intent or physical behaviour which is aimed to harm or displease another being", aggression becomes an interesting concept in itself. It's probably used to encompass a much broader spectrum of behaviours than I would ever have imagined.

If the basis of these behaviours is grounded in intent though, when does a lack of altruism become the basis for aggression? 

I'm no where close to having an answer for the question, but I find it interesting all the same. Especially when considering the type of world we're currently living in.

I guess the "war on terror" springs to mind as the obvious example of my internal dilemma. 

Is it altruism or aggression which drives a "convicted" person into harming a certain type of other?

I'm admittedly leaning towards agression as a base -- being that I believe altruism to be a complete bunch of bolderdash. 

But if a person TRULY believes that the future of themselves, their loved ones and perhaps even mankind, depended on the eradication of a group of people or a certain ideology...

Could that be considered altruism?

I don't know. I'm certainly not looking to justify or even understand such terrible occurences. Nor am I saying I'm anything remotely close to qualified when it comes to answering that question.

It's just interesting. 

You wake up at O'Hare..

Scratch an Altruist...

Watch a Hypocrite bleed.

Although the sentiment is extraodinarily unpleasant, I find myself
in complete agreement with whichever genius coined those words. I couldn't tell you for certain where the thought originated.. or even under which circumstances for that matter. But I was doing some research for university this week and was absolutely floored by those seven words! 

Scratch an Altruist. Watch a Hypocrite bleed.

As a third year student, I've probably done my fair share of study in the field of "Prosocial Behaviour" and.. to tell you the truth the whole concept has always frustrated me.

People performing acts for the good of other people with no expectation of reward or reciprocation? 

I may be slightly pessimistic, but. Honestly? No reward?   

I mean.. for arguments sake.. I'd like to consider myself a decent person. I'm a relationship type of girl who doesn't smoke, or consume animal products. I've got a decent GPA.. unshakeable faith in God.. a sponsored child in Northern Africa...

As painful as this is to admit, the most potent liquid I've ever consumed is a cup of coffee in the south of Borneo! Hahaha. 

The things I do, though. Be them for the good of the planet, the good of a certain species, or the good of a relative stranger. The things that I believe in.. And the things that i've structured my life around.. I've never really considered to have an altrusistic base.

Sure, alot of good may have been acheived along the way -- a lot of animals have lived, a lot of ecosystems have survived.. a lot of people have been comforted and will continue to be so for as long as I continue on this path, but..

I'd be remiss not to acknowledge the truth of the matter! To not point out  that any good which has been done, has been a secondary product of my will to be a decent human!

Although I may consider myself to be "doing the right thing" at an given moment.. Is my desire to be a decent person, not fuelled by my desire to someday make it in to heaven?

Perhaps a bad elabortion. I'm not overly religious.

But if I was to donate money, for example, to a homeless individual. Am I not easing my own guilt? Making myself feel better? Perhaps beginning an interesting tale, which may be rewarded by a chorus of admiration and praise when I finally get around to recounting it?

Even the cliched, "I may need the same help some day. I hope someone will reach out to me" ruse, becomes the opposite of altruistic in this light.

Social Pyschology or no Social Psyhology. I'm fairly certain that altruism is non existant in the purest sense of it's meaning.

I don't by any means wish to deminish the merit of a decent or charitable act here.. I just.. am uncomfortable with human beings who aren't able to take the proper responsibility for their actions.

"I did it because it was the right thing to do."

Another piece of absolute insanity. It's who I am to acknowledge, praise and admire the good in any act I possibly can.. but.

Perhaps consider the guilt and anxiety you'd be avoiding in the event that you didn't "do the right thing". 

Say that homeless individual became very ill because you were not willing or able to hand over a few coins or notes... You'd feel terrible. Guilt laden, and filled with self-rapproach! 

What are you avoiding by "doing the right thing"?


I sound terribly pessimistic and awful, and for that I truly apologise. As I said.. I'm appreciative for all of the good in the world.. And I will never stop trying to bring more and more about. I just am highly irritated by the type of people who claim to be above others, in the sense that they are altruistic.. when.. I don't believe such things to exist.

Patent Pending.

Bring a book with a happy ending
A remix of the message sending
Shining clean, this guillotine
New and improved
Patent pending.

Sonnet 42.

April 10, 2011. The last night of my teenage life, and I find myself in an interesting position. Not out drinking, not in the company of some beautiful man who is both literate and sexually attractive.. but basically at home. Cucooned in a blanket made from organic cotton, drinking what's sure to be the 11th cup of coffee I've had this evening. It's hardly exciting, and barely qualifies as something to do at all. But. I guess that the entire process is a perfect reflection of who I've come to be in the last two decades. Not in the sense that I've been addicted to caffiene my entire life.. or even with respect to my tree-hugging tendancies. I guess what I'm referring to here, is the ever quiet and somewhat private approach I've taken to the biggest moments in my life.


It's slightly baffling that a person with friends in the caliber I've made, could make a decision like that.. but. Here I am. Reading "Sonnet's to the Portuguese", hoping with all of my heart that I'll one day be able to emulate the strength and grace of their brilliant author. I've been reading these poems alot, lately. More so than any piece I've ever collected. Those of you who are familiar with Elizabeth Barrett-Browning, may now be wondering what the hell I'm talking about -- if I'm at all hoping to stay on topic with this "How far I've grown in the last two decades, nonsense." Hahaha. Religiously saturated, frighteningly dependant love poetry? In what way could that possibly be relevant to my occluded point?


I'm far too tired to venture into any kind of intense literary debate here, and so I was hoping a select few lines of Sonnet 42 would speak for themselves.


"'My future will not copy fair my past'—
I wrote that once; and thinking at my side
My ministering life-angel justified
The word by his appealing look upcast
To the white throne of God, I turned at last,
And there, instead, saw thee, not unallied
To angels in thy soul! Then I, long tried
By natural ills, received the comfort fast,
While budding, at thy sight, my pilgrim's staff
Gave out green leaves with morning dews impearled.
I seek no copy now of life's first half:
Leave here the pages with long musing curled,
And write me new my future's epigraph,
New angel mine, unhoped for in the world!"


Without delving too much into the things I've learned from a host of giant mistakes, I really couldn't have summed up this chapter of my life any better. As I said before, the poem is FILLED with religious undertones, and of course there is the obvious reference to a type of love I've never known.. but. The sentiment is there. The.. "I'm very much grateful for the things I've learned but.. am also quite certain that there are different lessons to be learned this time around". I don't know. It's been a massively sleep-less weekend, and I was really just hoping to jot something down before I close this chapter of my life.


Probably a lot more EBB to consider over the next few weeks. Wish me luck.

Write My Name Somewhere Safe

After reading that first entry, you may now be wondering why you're staring at the cover of my favourite LP. You may be wondering a lot of things, actaully... Things which aren't likely to pertain to my choice in topic progression -- but I digress! Hahaha. You're now staring at this particular image because I've had a sort of epiphany of late. An epiphany involving this band, and the effect they're likely to have upon a life-long fan, this Saturday evening. Before I dive right into the elaboration, though, I would ask that you bare with my seemingly random choice of topic structure. I'm aware that my writing style is less than perfect... and I'm aware that each paragraph will be on a completely different topic.. but I would ask that you bare with me! With a little bit of luck, and a whole lot of editting, I may just be able to piece together my own polluted stream of conciousness. And here it is..


I'm a bit like Edward Norton in the sense that I haven't slept in six months. It's mostly something that I've been able to come to terms with -- although I do drink more coffee than any human being should. It started as a few restless nights around September, at which point I was noticing a definite reduction in the quality and duration of my natural sleep. But has kind of culminated into 32hr periods of time which are completely and utterly void of sleep. Ignoring the obvious implications this has for my ability to function as a responsible and intelligent semi-adult, these periods of insomnia have somehow given me the most precious gift that I could ever have imagined.


They've given me the time to fully understand and appreciate the mind of James Christopher Adkins. A bit of a stretch, I know, but for a girl who requested a copy of "Clarity" for her 8th birthday.. it basically has taken 11 years to reach the point of love and appreciation that I'm just now experiencing. To the extent that an 8 year old is able.. I've always admired the intricate melodic layers and beautiful harmonies achieved by each Jimmy Eat World record. I've always understood that there was something to be said for Jim's melodic-minimalist approach, but have never been quite old or experienced enough to understand how each piece was perfect framed by his clever lyrics. I can't possibley know the exact motivations behind each song - I'm at best an amateur, amater health professional. But after years of intellectual and personal curiosty I am now able to view each album as a perfect representation of the emotional place that the man was in at the time of it's recording. On a personal level, I lean towards "Chase this Light" as the best representation for where I am in my current emotional reality.. but for the most part.. I am completely unable to choose a favourite track or favourite album.


With respect to my previous entry and the idea that a reader is able to absorb different messages from the same text throughout different phases of there life.. I too experience a change in what I want and need to learn from the person I admire most in this world. An obvious elaboration here, is that my favourite track changes with respect to what I'm experiencing across my day to day life. Not that it means much of anything at this point, but for those of you who are interested.. "Firefight", "Polaris" and "23" seem to be the three I keep circling back to.


Moving on though. The concert I've been waiting to see since I was 8 years old.. is actually set to occur this Saturday night. As if that wasn't enough to blow my cautious, tired, prone-to-emotional-overreaction mind, the concert is set to occur in one of the most intimate and amazing venues that I've ever had the fortune of visitinig. To thus recap; Jimmy Eat World, at the Brisbane Tivolli. It is of little wonder that the past week has been filled with less sleep than I've ever experienced. Hahaha. Being that I'm likely to have some kind of psychological overload/meltdown as a result, I thought it might be helpful to consult my textbooks for a solution.. and here's what I was able to come up with.


It is my very rough understanding of the works of Frued, that the human psyche is a finite resource. Not in the environmental sense where a resource may be renew or nonrenewable.. but more so in the sense that it is of limited capacity. In basic terms, there is a finite amount of psychological energy available to an individual at any given time.. and once that energy is exceeded.. the individual loses their ability to perform complex cognitive functions. I've also been able to learn, through my other courses, that events such as Planning, Judging, Analysing, Rememembering and Problem Solving are all examples of this "complex function" and have thus coined the following solution.


By spending the hours leading up to the concert engulfed in a complex literary piece, I may just be able to expend this limited capacity of cognitive energy. (Reading something full of dramatic imagery, and heavy symbollism for example.) Thus void of the natural resources I would use to stress and overanalyse the importance of my "Jimmy" experience, I may very well be forced to rely on a "back up" store of energy which is limited to that of basic emotion-driven functioning. "Basic emotion-driven functioning" may sound entirely more dangerous than my previous and initial state of being.. but after carefully considering the situation... I am fairly confident that my basic emotion would be that of Love. Not the type of love which drives particular females to be without clothing and self respect.. but more so the type of love which leaves the individual in a state of complete silent awe and grattitude. Pretty polluted, I know.. but.. at any rate, I'll need something to fill in my Saturday.. and the reading idea may become some type of self-fullfilling prophecy.


And thus to summarize, if you're fortunate enough to hold a ticket to the same event this weekend.....


I'll be the dark haired girl in the front of the line.. reciting and analysing seventeenth century love poetry in an attempt to hold it all together.